Good Life

 My last post was about something that was about to happen and it didn't. I was about to make life-changing decisions that would have an impact on this triangle of a family. 

In the end, it didn't happen, it seems that finding an apartment without a job it's something of a task. At the same time a dancing studio accepted me as a Karate teacher and I've started given classes to little kids. The decision to stay in Madrid was becoming clearer. But the reasons for staying where far from simple. 

I was having conversations with my ex-wife for us to move to the south of Spain, but it didn pan out,  the first option was for me to move by myself for a few months and sort of scout the area , and then my daughter and my ex-wife would make the final move. I was not convinced that she would do that, I was not getting any luck with my apartment search and at the end everything crumbled down. We did not move, we all stayed in Madrid, the company that I've worked for over a year did not renew my contract and I was out of a job for a couple of months. So this was the end of 2021. 

2022 January

An opportunity for a job came up at a coffee shop that I knew as a customer, at the same shopping mall where I've worked for over 8 years at Apple.  I was not happy to get back to that shopping center again, it's chaotic, it's crowded, and noisy and it gets worse during the winter holidays.  

My passion for coffee though, took over and I saw that it was a good opportunity to learn new skills, to put my hobbyist skills to the test, and learning I am. 5 months in and I've learned the art of latte, serving tables, washing dishes, prepare food, sandwiches. 

It's a very physical job, it requires concentration all the time and being alert. It's an exhausting job being a waiter, it's an exhausting job talking to people, to serve people and look happy all the time. 

My mood swings since 2019 have me worried, I cannot get a good reading out of me, of my feelings, I walk around without any insterests and without a sence of purpose. work doesn't make me happy, my love life is inexistante, and the worst thing is that it's not getting better, and it affects my surroundings, the people around me feel that i'm not ok, and for sure don't want to be with me. Every single attempt that i've made to reestablish contact with someone from my past, it's dismissed or doesn't have any follow up. People that see me and haven't  seen me in over 3 years say...oh it's so good to see you, lets have a coffee sometime, but then nothing happens. When you try to set up a meet for a coffee, it's like ahhh not today i have another appointment, which could be perfectly true, is just that my paranoia kicks in.

Sometimes I try to reach out to social networks and obviously that doesn't work, trying to get people to click like on your post will not help you at all, but sometimes.....just sometimes .... a little recognition goes a long way. 

I'm probably still lingering on some sort of guilt for screwing up my life, i'm struggling everyday with sadness and loneliness. Maybe it's a process that I really need to go through, the other day I saw a post on instagram that said....your life is ok if....today you had a roof to sleep under, food on your table, clean clothes to wear.  Maybe they're right. what am I complaining about?