Spread the Love

 It's hard for me to recognize this world we are living in. 

As you grow up, the things that shape your reality keep changing, either through your experiences or your environment, the people you meet, the jobs you take, the trips you make, your relationships. Everything becomes an experience and also expands your learning curve.  

I grew up in a small town on the outskirts of Lisbon. I played a lot on the street with my friends; it was a challenge and a learning opportunity every day. Older kids bullied us, and we assumed that that was normal. 

Through those interactions, I've learned the hard way; I've learned how to hide and run away from danger. My senses were very acute when it came to detecting danger, like a spider-sense kind of thing. 

My school was nearby, and we could walk there with no problems; it was a safe path. Nowadays, we drive our children to school and pick them up the same way. Kids that live in big cities will never experience walking to school by themselves. The dynamics of a pack will never happen. 

As a little kid, I was insecure, shy, and not much of a leader or a reference, and that reflected in my relationships during my uprising. I flopped a couple of times on 5th and 6th grades consecutively, that kind of made me stronger and secure, because suddenly you become better known and people don’t mess with you that much, you start building a reputation. 

Then you get into 7th grade, new school, bigger school, new colleagues, new dynamics, there I met my first girlfriend, well not my first, but the one that I shared my life with for the next, almost, 9 years, so one could say my first serious relationship. I was 13, she was 12. We dated for almost 9 years! We grew up together, and I could say that she was my best friend at the time. We went through puberty, adolescence, and adulthood, our first jobs, and then it ended. The last time I saw her, it was on the eve of me leaving the country to start a new adventure abroad. She had had a baby, and I didn’t know how to process that information, honestly. It was an awkward moment for both of us because we hadn’t talked in a couple of years, and I didn’t know what turn her life took. Sometimes one gets this sense of guilt that things could have gone in another way, and I want to say I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m aware that this is not healthy and that people move on; that’s part of life, I really understand that, but it’s still there, that feeling inside your gut. 

So, I moved on, came to Spain, and started a new job, a new life; it was my chance of getting things right and correcting the past, right? Ahahaha, nope, life gives you a chance for that, but how many of us really take it? Shared a house with a few of my new colleagues for a year; that was fun. 

Then someone new comes into your life and disrupts it, changes your patterns, your routines, I let myself go with the flow, didn’t want complications, and suddenly I was in a new relationship that lasted for 6 years roughly. It was an intense relationship that ended up badly. In the following years, I jumped from relationship to relationship without pauses, without time to mourn after a breakup, just feeding on someone else’s energy and making sure that my feelings and needs were covered. I didn’t realize that I was that bad, that I didn’t spend time for auto reflection, reading the signs that something was off in me. 

After more than a decade of fuckups and making others suffer for my negligence and ignorance, I’m starting to realize these things that we as individuals have a way of fucking up others really badly and leaving long-term damage in others and ourselves as well. It takes a lot of time for recovery and trust in others again. Human beings are sensitive and prone to damage, but we are also amazing creatures that can recover from the ashes and as the saying goes ..” what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  

We should think only of love, look at other people with love, compassion, even when we are mad and furious and feeling like you want to kill off the world, we need to think love, only love. I guarantee it makes things a little bit better. It’s helping me, still have a long way to go, but it's helping and allows room for recovery and healing. 

We never know when a kiss, a hug, a smile, a laugh, a look, a scream, an argument will be the last thing you leave or others leave you with. 

These are challenging times. We’re being subject to things that are changing our ways, how we relate and interact with each other, and it will leave an impact for decades to come, so we need to be in touch with our feelings and spread love as much as possible. 

Spread the love.