Farewell

I'm watching Californication again—it's been a while. The character Hank Moody is a helpless, lost man who is still in love with the mother of his child. He struggles to write and find inspiration, and he seeks consolation by sleeping with other women to ease his pain.

I do not want to compare my life with that of such a famous character; my personal life is not that interesting. Still, I see some similarities in Hank's behavior—especially in the way he manages to screw up his life and beat himself down with regret for letting his partner go.

A couple of months ago, I received a farewell email. It was unexpectedly painful; I did not anticipate such a surge of emotion. It was devastating—I cried and sobbed as if I had lost someone I would never see again, as if someone very close to me had passed away. The thing is, my relationship had been strenuous from the beginning, and I always felt controlled. But that was entirely my fault. I allowed that behavior to become the norm in our relationship—conflict avoidance and careless spending without any long-term planning. Avoiding conflict was never a good thing, and I never managed my feelings properly, as I always tended to bottle them up. Confronted with my past behavior, I looked in the mirror and reflected on my life as it slowly goes down the drain: no job, no partner, no self-esteem, and no plans to change that.

At 49, maturing apparently seems to be an unachievable task. I've lost the love of my life—the mother of my child—for not being there when needed, simply not being there, period. I visualize a life for the three of us all the time, but then I remember the not-so-good things, due to my inability to process feelings properly and share my thoughts in a proper manner. There is a lot of guilt going on here and I still need time to process it to let go of that guilt. 




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